You know, Thea has been really excelling at this whole poop and pee in the toilet thing. So far, it’s been really smooth because she and I are usually home all day. It’s simple to run her up to our bathroom, use the changing table, whip around and use the toilet, and have everything I need at arms reach. The potty training isn’t always convenient; in fact, it’s mostly inconvenient, especially when we’re not home, but the process is extremely worth it nonetheless. When we run errands, Thea hasn’t yet needed to poop, and I just don’t worry about pee right now, so we haven’t really had much experience with potty training in public. A couple of days ago, though, we had our first encounter.
Andrew and I were grocery shopping for a few things at the ever famous WalMart. We were by the milk when Thea farted. Then, we were by the meat isle and Thea farted again. As my father says, “You know what a fart is, don’t ya? It’s a turd honking for the right of way.” I wasn’t quick enough to commit, and sure enough, the next fart wasn’t dry.
I scramble to get her out of her carseat and throw the diaper bag over my shoulder, and off to the bathroom we speed walk. Everybody move! We still might get wave 2 and 3 in the tiolet. Just maybe.
We skid into the bathroom and pull down the changing table on the wall. Whoever designed WalMart’s bathroom was nice enough to not put the changing table in the bathroom stall. Super inconvenient right now.
In walks an older woman, who saunters into a stall. Now Thea and I have an audience.
I pull off her pants and undo her diaper. Great. Today is one of those rare days where her poop isn’t very firm, so it’s all over her bum. Even better.
Another woman comes in the bathroom, smiles down at my little infant, and goes into a stall. I wonder what these women are going to think as I’m carrying my poopy-bummed baby around the bathroom instead of just changing her.
We get to go into the giant handicapped stall. I still down on the toilet, holding Thea in front of me, and wait. Sure enough, we have more poop. “Good girl, Thea!” I coo. “Yeah, nice job. Do you have more? Can you go some more for mama?” More poop. My baby is awesome.
The other ladies have started to finish and come out of their stalls. I didn’t bring the wipes in with me, but I’m all about toilet paper. Except WallyMart has that stupid toilet paper with no perforated squares; you just have to rip where you want. So I’ve got to figure out how to hold Thea up with one hand and not get poop on me, and reach over and she-rah me some toilet paper with the other one hand and not get poop on me. Of course, with all my focus on the toilet paper, I don’t notice that my grip on Thea’s leg is getting pinchy tight. Thea starts screaming.
I finally rip me off some toilet paper, which now is super crumpled from my exertions to break it off, so it’s basically worthless. It takes me five more pieces to clean her up, which makes Thea scream louder.
Really, I’m just glad these ladies are having a once-in-a-life-time bathroom experience. Who knows what they think is going down in here.
I quiet Thea down as we come out and go back to the changing table. I still don’t have a cloth to lay her down on, so I go to get a paper towel. Awesome, because the paper towels don’t have perforated edges either. So again, I try to rip some off one handed while holding my naked-bummed baby with the other. And now I have to pee!
Doing my best not to dance around, I finally lay Thea down. But she’s started this thing lately where she absolutely hates laying down. And right now is one of those times. The screaming continues.
In walks two 12-year old girls, who make a wide circle to avoid coming too close to us. I promise, motherhood is the best, ladies.
I can’t wipe her bum and get a new diaper on fast enough. It sure doesn’t help either that Thea has mastered rolling over a couple of weeks ago, so she’s rolling every which way. Good thing I’m a professional wrestler and can keep her shoulders pinned with my upper arm, so I can work my hands to hold the diaper in place.
And that’s was it. Just like that, we had a successful poop in public.