You know, being a stay-at-home mom has been really hard lately. Not because I’m sick of taking care of Thea all day long. Not because I don’t have anything to do. No, those don’t describe my experience at all. The thought that came to mind yesterday was that I needed to fill my day with meaning.
It was one of those thoughts, that I have so often anymore, that I know are the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. It rings so true to my heart and offers such a light to my perspective that I know it’s not simply a thought from my own head. It is one of those thoughts that go to show that Heavenly Father is truly listening.
I’ve been really active this last month about planning and goal setting. At first, I was rocking my stay-at-home experience, but slowly, I’ve wandered back to where I was in the first place: struggling to be happy at home. What I realized yesterday in relation to this inspired thought is that I’m treading the water of simply staying busy. Busy doesn’t equal meaning. Busy doesn’t equal fulfillment. Busy just wears out the soul when busy is empty and forced.
So how do I fill my days with meaning? Where do I start? What do I revise?
I’m not sure. I’m bored of cooking. I’m tired of cleaning. I’m lazy when it comes to potty training. I’ve gone on walks to just about everywhere possible. And watching movies or surfing the internet make me feel like I need to take a shower.
This morning, I was praying. I just feel like I’m failing. I didn’t even get out of bed this morning to make Andrew breakfast and pack his lunch for the day. I feel caught in some awful goop that makes feel tired and lazy, and I want out.
That’s all that came to mind.
But it’s true. I don’t really have any friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and people I like, but not any one I could be like, Hey, let’s go see [friend]. I have one neighbor I’m friends with, but she works all day. All my best friends and I have been separated for years now, spread across Utah, America, and Europe. We’re still in contact, and I treasure their friendship, but a virtual connection just isn’t the same. And honestly, we have talked several times about the challenge of making new friends in our new homes. Which, it is comforting to some degree that I’m not alone in my trial. We all tend to be isolated, wanting companionship, but not knowing how to get it. And, really, are all perplexed by the challenge when previously in life, making friends has never been an issue.
So, I don’t have the answers this time. I want friends, but haven’t been able to make any. God says they are still out there, ready to be made.
Cheers to keep trying.