I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but things have been rather busy around here for a change. I’m happy. And I’m happy at home.
The last several weeks, as you’ve read, have been hard for me to stay at home, mainly mentally and emotionally. I’ve felt trapped, unmotivated, and lonely. The purpose of this post is not to list down everything that has contributed to my change of state. There are too many. Instead, I want to show a few big things in order to demonstrate a Heavenly Father who really does listen and who really does want to help.
As I prayed and prayed and prayed about what I could do to find happiness and fulfillment at home, God showed me multiple ways in which I needed to change. My best friend once gave me some sound advice that came to mind often, “Before I choose to talk to my husband about something he is doing that is making me upset, I look to the process. For example, if the dishes are constantly piling up, instead of getting mad, I look to see if there is something in the process of the kitchen that is aiding to the mess. And I realized that the dishes pile up so bad because we eat right before he leaves for work.” So for her, the logical fix was to try to eat earlier so they could both help with the dishes before the start of the day. It wasn’t his fault or her fault; it was simply the process that wasn’t working yet. Many of my processes were either out of order or needed some fresh revamping.
Heavenly Father also showed me that I was giving room in my heart for the lazy spirit to take over. I’m reminded of the story a grandfather was telling his grandson of two wolves in a fight to the death. The little boy asked which of the wolves would win and the grandfather replied, “The one who gets fed.” I was consistently giving into the desire to procrastinate, piling up my work load and leaving my house messy and disrupted. And the more I gave into laziness, the more laziness won the fight. It’s been difficult to push through unmotivation, but grace is real.
He also reminded me that I have a husband as a partner for a reason. Even though I felt that Andrew already does so much, I needed to ask him for more help. Our partnership in parenthood has been greatly strengthened, and Andrew’s willingness to help me even more than he already does has been a great buoy. He has been my greatest blessing in getting through all of this. I’m grateful I can rely on him, and I continue to learn just how much I really need him the longer we’re married. Moms can’t be moms without dads.
Lastly, Heavenly Father helped me fix my perspective. He showed me that I was trying to make Thea fit around whatever things I needed to get done or wanted to do. I wasn’t involving her in my day-to-day like I had perceived that I was. I made a greater attempt to share my day with Thea. Instead of praying she would fall asleep soon and stay asleep for a long time so I could get my to-do’s done, I started finding ways I could work with her on my to-do’s. I let her pull the clothes out of the dryer while I put them in. Before, I would’ve just picked her up and put her back in the living room and tried to speed the clothes around before she crawled back to me. But this way, even though it is not productive, it allows us to be involved in the same thing together. When I would cook, I would want Thea either eating in her high chair or crawling around on the floor, but she would always end up at my feet wanting me to hold her. I began to realize that she was just wanting to see what I was doing. She knew something was going on where she couldn’t see and wanted to be a part of it. So I’ve made a greater effort to hold her and show her around the kitchen while I cook; and she actually will be interested for a while, but will then want back down to go do her thing again. Long story short, even though I was always taking time to play with Thea, I wasn’t taking time to work with Thea, and it truly has made such a difference. She’s my little partner-in-crime now (although I think she’s got the crime part all to herself).
There are still things in the works as far as remedies go. Progress is still to be made. But I’m so grateful for a God who knows the thoughts and intents of my heart (D&C 6:16). He is able to help me see things no one else ever could unless they took the immense amount of time to first learn every detail of my life. Only He can bring memories or teachings to mind that apply so perfectly to what I’m experiencing. Only He has access to everything that makes up me and my world. Hard times fall on everyone, but Heavenly Father always knows the way out. Knuckles all around.